My most frustrating kiddo

Usually I sit and plan out what I am going to say and how I am going to say it. I am not the best at expressing my thoughts and feelings into words that really mean something. Tonight I just need to get a load off my mind. As I lay in bed this evening or I guess early morning at 12:30am, my thoughts were turned to one of my students are they many times are throughout the night and day.

As far as I know most teachers every year have that one student that they wish were absent for at least one day to get a little break. I have nicknamed my class the crazies because of how out of control and crazy some of my students are. One in particular has been on my case from the very first day I started my teaching career. She has not been an easy one and I have not been able to  figure her out, even now with 6 days left of school. She is a smart student but chooses to act out to gain attention and whether I give her the attention or not the behavior continues. She has this strange irrational fear of another boy in first grade who she is apparently in love with. But every time she sees him or knows his class is coming or thinks she will see him, she hides herself in big winter jackets and hides and her body literally shakes. She refuses to go out to recess because he might look at her or something like that. Now I know all behaviors have to come from something and there is only so much I can do at school. Trying to meet with parents is next to impossible, so that is where I can go no further.

As I talk about this girl it is mainly to briefly explain why she is most of the time the one that I would pray to just be absent one day so that I can catch a break, and she is NEVER gone....except for this week. We did not have school Monday because of Memorial day, so school resumed Tuesday and she was not there. Then Wednesday and still nothing. Her cousin told me she had chicken pox and it was a tiny sigh of relief. Then finally Thursday came and again she wasn't there, I was not worried at all knowing she was home probably scratching herself to death and driving her mother crazy. Then my school social worker had to come in and ruin my comfort....

Social Worker comes in and tells me that my little girl's favorite little cousin, who her mom watches and is at their house all the time, died yesterday. I guess he was outside with his dad and wondered off and fell into a pond and dad didn't find him until it was too late. Full story here. If there were 3 people that my little girl talked about, it was her mom, her baby sister, and her favorite little cousin. I felt immediately awful inside but I had to keep teaching with the kids who were in my class and I tried pushing it to the back of my mind.

I guess as I was laying in bed and thoughts of the day came back to me, I had time to think more fully about what happened. I am not sure if I have been holding in a lot of emotion lately or just needed a good cry and this set it off because I started crying and I did not stop for awhile. I had to let my train of thoughts work through my scattered brain and this is kind of how it went.....

Crying for my little girl and her loss, crying for how awful she was to me this year, crying because I realize that I really do love her, crying because I am going to miss her, crying because I am admitting that I love my crazies...every last one of them, crying because one time last week we had to best dance party ever, crying because I teach at a title one school, crying because I want my children to succeed, crying because the numbers don't look good for most of my kids doing anything with their life, crying because some will end up in gangs and pregnant at 16, crying because what ever I do things probably won't turn out how I would like them to, crying because I am getting a new group of students next year to start this whole process over again, crying because I know my students secrets like when their dog died or how many wiggles it took to get their tooth to fall out or crazy horse racing gambling stories or what it is like to have your mom in jail or speak Spanish at home and have to speak English at school or what games are the best to play at recess, I know that I have to forget all of these things because in a few short days I will probably never see or interact with most of these students again. A lot of them will move before the next school year even starts or who knows they may not be there on Monday morning to finish out the year. 

Now thinking all this is a lot, but the string of thoughts continued as did the crying. I thought of how much I love my students, then the love of a parent is greater than I can comprehend. With that I have parents that love me so much and I also have a Heavenly Father who loves me that much and more. His love is infinite and I feel as though I saw a glimpse into what that is like tonight as I sat sobbing over my little girl and the rest of my class. I want to take away her pain and not make her go through this, but I cannot do that. I am sure many many times that is how parents feel. I must let her go through this experience and hopefully learn and grow from it. I thought if I was like my little girl and if there are things I am doing that drive my Heavenly Father nuts and he tries to help me but I refuse because I think I have life all figured out. Man he must be frustrated many days like I go home thinking I am the worst teacher ever.

I again sit here and think back to just my little girl, with the cutest curly hair, and a creepy smile, and the worst jokes ever, I wonder if she will be alright. Will she understand what it means that her cousin is gone as they have the funeral? Have I taught her enough of the rights skills to try and get through this with her family? To these questions I do not have the answers as to what they learned from me this year, but I hope that it was that sometimes you just need to sing (even if you're not that good), tell a good joke, laugh instead of cry, forgive others, be kind to everyone, and to go after your dreams. Even at the age of 6 and 7 they know what it means to have a good time.

I do not pray for students to ever miss school, I pray that every day they are there and ready to learn something new. I pray that they know I am not just a teacher but a protector, confidant, friend, doctor, shoe tie-er, and really whatever else they need me to be for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 180 days a year. Because even if I never see them again, they are in my classroom for the time being and I will make the most of that time with them.

I LOVE MY CRAZIES!

Praxis

I have to take the Praxis teaching test again to get my Utah teaching license and they don't accept my Idaho scores. Oh well. I spent some good amount of time studying and taking practice tests. Saturday morning I woke up early to go take the test and was very surprised when I was handed my test...

...turns out I had been studying for the PLT (principles of learning and teaching) but I had signed up and needed to take the content knowledge test. The PLT test I take for the special ed part of my certification but the content knowledge is just for general ed teaching. I was concerned but just laughed about it because there was nothing I could do. I could only hope that my knowledge went up to that of a third grader!

 Today May 7 was the day I got my scores, and the verdict is..........

I needed a 160 and I got 180, which is also on the high end of average, not bad for not studying!

I'M AWESOME! I PASSED! WOOHOOO

Zion' National Park

CAMPING ROUND 2

So this last weekend adventure sure was adventuresome! We started leaving Provo around 8pm and drove the 4 hours to Zion's National Park. We had 2 cars, one with the ladies and the one with the men. We ended up taking different routes and we ended up on the east side of the park at 1:30am and the boys were on the west side at the same time. With little reception we finally found each other and had no place to camp because all was full. We drove around searching local state parks and everything looking for a place to camp. Around 4am we finally decided to sleep in an LDS church parking lot. There was 6 of us total, 2 of us slept in the bed of the truck, 3 were in a gated area by the air conditioners and one slept on the grass with the sprinklers on. 

After about 2.5 hours of sleep I was woken up to sawing and drilling and pounding. There was a huge Ironman World Championship going on starting at 6am that morning. They just so happen to be biking by where we finally decided to sleep. All I could soon here was cowbells and people screaming WATER! Not the best nights sleep I have ever gotten but surely one of the most interesting.

Early Saturday morning after the race was over and we were able to drive out, we finally made it to Zion's! We quickly found a camping spot so we didn't have to suffer like the night before.

Even though we were super tired from not sleeping much we figured we would hike Angel's landing early evening when it was cooler. I was told it was the most famous hike in Zion's and that it was strenuous but I figured I could do it. Be prepared to see lots of pictures about the hike because it was one I will never forget...

It started out nice and the path was paved and we were in the shade.

Daniel pretending he fell...

The group in the shawdows

This was about the first mile...

They say that this hike should take about 4 hours and we were like why it is only 5 miles round trip. Well we made it the first 2 miles almost no problem. The last .5 mile takes about 45 minutes and I laughed at that too until I saw the path started with this chain...

Pretty much for half a mile you walk along the edge of a cliff. A lot of people don't finish the hike because it can be dangerous and very scary. Most parts it is you on a small path and cliffs down 2.000 ft on either side of you. It is not like you can cling to a wall and scoot along. You grab that chain and hold on for dear life.

That is the path up the side of the cliff. Looks steep and narrow...

So grateful for the chains or I would not have made it

BUT I DID IT! It took me a really long time but Daniel and I finally made it to meet the others.

I am going to miss Nicole when she moves away, but it gives me an excuse to visit Texas, a state I have not yet been to.

I feel very accomplished

Funny picture time (not real life)

Back down was scary because I kept feeling like I was going to slide right down and my knees were shaking a lot

Glad that's over with

Oh stinkin' switchbacks. I tried running up them but only made it up about 5 before having to walk the rest.

SCARY!

But that was me at the top

Sunday we did some easier hikes and they were just as beautiful.

The last 2 weekends have been camping so we felt like we needed church in our life a little bit so we stopped at the St. George temple for some good spiritual time. Since I knew Erika lives here now I figured I would call her up and see what the chances of her meeting me were and she did! I was so excited. We have actually talked quite a bit lately because the wedding is coming so soon!! I felt like such a bum and super dirty and she was all cute and pretty, that's how it usually is with us though :) Best friends since we were 3, college roommates, and now maid of honor! Nothing can keep us apart.

Bryce Canyon

I have this friend that I grew up with in Pennsylvania and her name is Nicole. After high school we both ended up in Utah and I love that we live close enough that we still get to hang out. Although with my crazy life I barely get to see her. She recently broke the sad news to me that she is moving to Houston this summer, probably sooner than later. From now on I want to spend as much time as I can with her until she no longer lives 30 minutes away anymore. 

To start our awesome adventures she called me up and asked if I wanted to go down to southern Utah to Bryce Canyon. I love camping and I love southern Utah and I love Nicole so there was no way I was turning that down. We drove down Saturday afternoon, set up camp, did about a 5 mile hike I think and then hung around the campfire until late, (for me that is 10 or 11 these days). 

Sunday we got up made some pancakes for breakfast, packed up camp, drove around the park to some lookouts, and then on a 8 miles hike, that is where it gets interesting....

I bought this hat recently and I love it! Perfect time to wear it is camping :)

It started to get cold after the sun went down so we made some hot chocolate, except we forgot to bring something to put it in so I guess Gatorade bottle had to make do.

I love love love s'mores! A friend Josh who was on the trip taught me the most genius thing about s'more making and that is getting the chocolate covered graham crackers to make them with...DELICIOUS!

 Nice archway...this is where a friend Josh proposed to his girlfriend. We kept walking until we heard her scream and say "IS THIS REAL LIFE!" haha

 Nicole, Liv, Tomi, Cait, and I

 The beautiful hoodoo's

 Greensburg girls!

Stinkin' switchbacks!

If you don't know about Bryce Canyon, it is a big plateau in southern Utah. So of course our last hike the 8 miler we went on was down the plateau through pretty woods to a spring that was going to be so beautiful....really it was an ugly burned down forest to a spring that trickled out of a pipe at the end. Oh and it was pretty steep down hill the first 4 miles. What does that mean you ask?! Well the 4 miles on the way back was pretty much straight uphill. Let's just say I went at my own pace and eventually made it after 4 bottles of water. I am proud that I rarely stopped I just wanted it to end so I kept going.  It was kind of nice because I was so slow I was by myself most of the time and did a lot of thinking. Well that came after freaking out that I was lost and was going to get eaten when I entered the wilderness area!