Today as I got to church I realized that it was the 2nd anniversary of your death. As I sat and thought more about it, tears came to my eyes. I still vividly remember that day that Erica called me to tell me what she had heard. We still did not know the whole story or if it was true but we sat on the phone and cried. We used social media and tried to contact your friends in Carolina that might be able to help us figure something out. We waited hours and hours for a reply and not wanting it to us the truth...that you had committed suicide.
That was the first time I had felt real pain in losing someone. Never before could I empathize with anyone, but now I felt more pain then I wanted to ever feel again. I did not want to believe it had happened and I was so far away from family and friends that knew you and grew up with you like I did. There was no one to comfort me. But as I lay on the ground sobbing I prayed to Heavenly Father for his help. And I know that night Heavenly Father was with me, as he put his loving arms around me to comfort me in a hug that lasted hours. It is 2 years later that I am realizing I need to let go and forgive you. I know how powerful Satan is and how easy it is to give in to him. That night you gave in and it just so happens that one choice ended your life. As I needed this weight lifted off of my shoulders as I forgive and forget the sin, it does not mean I forget you. It means I no longer need to dwell on your anniversary of March 3. Instead I remember your birthday on June 1 and how you liked to rub in that you were 2 weeks older than me. How you loved to drag me around by my ponytail because I could not feel it. I think about the time you broke your collar bone and I just laughed because we were on a merry go round. I remember that talks in the pavilion and walks up white lady hill. I think about swimming and you throwing me in the pool. The day you and Montana almost broke my neck at a concert. Or that you made the limo driver pull over on the side of the road to pee in the weeds. I think about you calling me your Mormon and giving me the biggest wedgie of my life!
There are so many more fun times just like those ones. These are the moments I treasure and remember, not the sad day that ended it all. Sometimes I wonder today if we would still even be friends, or would you have moved on in life and college and forgotten me like most have back home? But I do not need to know the answer to that, because I have our memories. And even though you are not with us physically anymore I think you are with me even more spiritually. People may call me crazy but as I sat in church today thinking about you, I knew you were sitting next me learning about how great of worth we are. I know that when I needed it and I forgave you, you wrapped your arms around me just like Heavenly Father did the night you passed away, and you held me tight like he did.
So I thank you for the good memories that I will always have and pray that you are one of my angels that surrounds me everyday watching over, and protecting me. At the same time I know you are laughing during one of my blonde moments, or as you watch the craziness of my first year teaching. I love knowing that you are there and always will be. Thank you for being my angel. I love you and miss you.
No comments:
Post a Comment