Suicide doesn't hurt just you...

I am not quite sure how to start this, but writing helps me get out what I am thinking so that it is not all bottled up inside. I know that I shouldn't be hurting anymore or shed anymore tears, but I can't help it. March 3 has been looming in the back of my mind for about 2 weeks now. March 3, 2011 was one of the worst days I can remember.

Around 6 pm I got a call from my best friend Erica back in PA. She told me that our good friend Alex Haun was dead and that was all the news she had, she didn't know how or when just that he was no longer alive. I was in complete and utter shock and we busted out crying together on the phone. I tried getting myself back together and we talked about how we could find out more. Alex had moved to South Carolina a few years ago and we didn't know any of his friends. But that was not going to stop me. I went on facebook and sent messages out to some of his friends looking for information. The worst was yet to come....apparently he had killed himself . I had never lost anyone close to me before and this was a whole new experience for me and now I knew that he had done it to himself, that doesn't make it easier to accept at all. From that moment all we did was question what we could have done more for him. Alex was not always the best kid and did not mind doing some illegal things and who knows what he was mixed up in before making that decision, but we will never know. Losing Alex was like losing a little piece of my heart, I know that sounds corny but it is true. Like I said it was the first time I had to face the reality of death and that first time will always be a small wound for me. There was nothing I could do living in Idaho and it did not help I was surrounded by people who wouldn't understand. So I turned to the one who I know understands everything...Christ. I prayed and prayed for Alex, his family, and myself. I thought I would be okay with death as I have thought about it over the years, but when it was his own choice to end everything, that's what got me. I went through many tissues before my eyes were able to stay dry. But I had great friends and roommates who through the next week helped lift me up when they could. I had professors who could see the bad week I was having and offered to talk about it and allow me extra time for things. I had an amazing support system at that time of need. I only wish I could have been there with Erica, she needed me and while we talked on the phone and such, it just wasn't the same.

One year later it still hurts and a tear or two were shed in his memory, but it reminds me of how important each person is and that no one should ever have to feel that bad, defeated, or depressed to want to end their own life. 

THE GOOD TIMES:
I first meet Alex through Erica while she was in CAP Civil Air Patrol. We formed a group of friends that I had the best times with. Whether it was at the Friedline's or Beitel's house, or fairs, we always had a good time. Jimmy, Lanell, Brendon, Eric, Alex, Montana, Erica, Lizzy, Kait, Ali, and I. These are the friends I went corning with, bush diving (one of Alex's favorites), watching movies, bonfires, hanging in the pavillion, and walked white lady hill.

• Alex's nickname for me was Mormon.
• I don't have much feeling in my head so Alex used to love to pull me around the kitchen floor by my ponytail.
• One night Alex and Montana hog tied me and threw me outside. 
• Alex dropped a tray we were serving and a drunk lady gave him a tip for it.
• Alex gave me the biggest wedgie of my life and ripped my underwear. 
• Alex always had the most energy no matter what time of day or night. He didn't know how to sit still. 
• Montana and Alex together was a whole different world of fun! I think they put each other in Donna;s new washing machine a few years back. (She was ticked)

Sure it seems like they picked on me a lot, which they did, but it was all out of love! 

He was the most hyperactive, crazy, hilarious male I have ever met. I don't think that will ever change either. No one can compare to the man Alex was. Even though you are gone I hope you know how loved you are and how much people miss you. You brought so much joy and light into lives. You were loved by a lot of people in Ligonier and you always had a home there and I am glad that you knew that and were able to visit us even after you moved. We worried about you but did not think you were capable of such an act. You seemed to be a different person when you were with us, you could have moved back and stayed with us forever. But where ever you are I hope you have found happiness and that you are not causing too much trouble!