Usually I sit and plan out what I am going to say and how I am going to say it. I am not the best at expressing my thoughts and feelings into words that really mean something. Tonight I just need to get a load off my mind. As I lay in bed this evening or I guess early morning at 12:30am, my thoughts were turned to one of my students are they many times are throughout the night and day.
As far as I know most teachers every year have that one student that they wish were absent for at least one day to get a little break. I have nicknamed my class the crazies because of how out of control and crazy some of my students are. One in particular has been on my case from the very first day I started my teaching career. She has not been an easy one and I have not been able to figure her out, even now with 6 days left of school. She is a smart student but chooses to act out to gain attention and whether I give her the attention or not the behavior continues. She has this strange irrational fear of another boy in first grade who she is apparently in love with. But every time she sees him or knows his class is coming or thinks she will see him, she hides herself in big winter jackets and hides and her body literally shakes. She refuses to go out to recess because he might look at her or something like that. Now I know all behaviors have to come from something and there is only so much I can do at school. Trying to meet with parents is next to impossible, so that is where I can go no further.
As I talk about this girl it is mainly to briefly explain why she is most of the time the one that I would pray to just be absent one day so that I can catch a break, and she is NEVER gone....except for this week. We did not have school Monday because of Memorial day, so school resumed Tuesday and she was not there. Then Wednesday and still nothing. Her cousin told me she had chicken pox and it was a tiny sigh of relief. Then finally Thursday came and again she wasn't there, I was not worried at all knowing she was home probably scratching herself to death and driving her mother crazy. Then my school social worker had to come in and ruin my comfort....
Social Worker comes in and tells me that my little girl's favorite little cousin, who her mom watches and is at their house all the time, died yesterday. I guess he was outside with his dad and wondered off and fell into a pond and dad didn't find him until it was too late. Full story
here. If there were 3 people that my little girl talked about, it was her mom, her baby sister, and her favorite little cousin. I felt immediately awful inside but I had to keep teaching with the kids who were in my class and I tried pushing it to the back of my mind.
I guess as I was laying in bed and thoughts of the day came back to me, I had time to think more fully about what happened. I am not sure if I have been holding in a lot of emotion lately or just needed a good cry and this set it off because I started crying and I did not stop for awhile. I had to let my train of thoughts work through my scattered brain and this is kind of how it went.....
Crying for my little girl and her loss, crying for how awful she was to me this year, crying because I realize that I really do love her, crying because I am going to miss her, crying because I am admitting that I love my crazies...every last one of them, crying because one time last week we had to best dance party ever, crying because I teach at a title one school, crying because I want my children to succeed, crying because the numbers don't look good for most of my kids doing anything with their life, crying because some will end up in gangs and pregnant at 16, crying because what ever I do things probably won't turn out how I would like them to, crying because I am getting a new group of students next year to start this whole process over again, crying because I know my students secrets like when their dog died or how many wiggles it took to get their tooth to fall out or crazy horse racing gambling stories or what it is like to have your mom in jail or speak Spanish at home and have to speak English at school or what games are the best to play at recess, I know that I have to forget all of these things because in a few short days I will probably never see or interact with most of these students again. A lot of them will move before the next school year even starts or who knows they may not be there on Monday morning to finish out the year.
Now thinking all this is a lot, but the string of thoughts continued as did the crying. I thought of how much I love my students, then the love of a parent is greater than I can comprehend. With that I have parents that love me so much and I also have a Heavenly Father who loves me that much and more. His love is infinite and I feel as though I saw a glimpse into what that is like tonight as I sat sobbing over my little girl and the rest of my class. I want to take away her pain and not make her go through this, but I cannot do that. I am sure many many times that is how parents feel. I must let her go through this experience and hopefully learn and grow from it. I thought if I was like my little girl and if there are things I am doing that drive my Heavenly Father nuts and he tries to help me but I refuse because I think I have life all figured out. Man he must be frustrated many days like I go home thinking I am the worst teacher ever.
I again sit here and think back to just my little girl, with the cutest curly hair, and a creepy smile, and the worst jokes ever, I wonder if she will be alright. Will she understand what it means that her cousin is gone as they have the funeral? Have I taught her enough of the rights skills to try and get through this with her family? To these questions I do not have the answers as to what they learned from me this year, but I hope that it was that sometimes you just need to sing (even if you're not that good), tell a good joke, laugh instead of cry, forgive others, be kind to everyone, and to go after your dreams. Even at the age of 6 and 7 they know what it means to have a good time.
I do not pray for students to ever miss school, I pray that every day they are there and ready to learn something new. I pray that they know I am not just a teacher but a protector, confidant, friend, doctor, shoe tie-er, and really whatever else they need me to be for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 180 days a year. Because even if I never see them again, they are in my classroom for the time being and I will make the most of that time with them.
I LOVE MY CRAZIES!
